Wednesday, May 28, 2014

5x7" oil on linen


Okay, I'll be brutally honest. I have hit the proverbial wall! Smacked face first right into that sucker! BAM!!!! 
Haven't got a clue what's going on and oddly enough don't even care! Figuring out why I do things that aren't, on the surface, good for me has never ever aided me in stopping them so why take the time to bathe the ego is all that focus and attention? That's exactly what it wants.

I can't stand the painting I posted and have had it languishing in limbo for the last 3 days, opening up my blog list to look at it from time to time, hoping that I'll see it and not feel repulsed. I can't believe I had the arrogance to reach out to a few artists I admire and try to wrestle them from their "intermission" with all sorts of advice, none of which is helping me now. Forgive my hubris in thinking that I had the answers. Clearly I don't and never will. And I think realizing that is a good thing. Plus, let's face it, poking my nose into someone elses' bidness is a stellar way to stay out of my own. A "let me reach out and fix the world while my own is crumbling around me" type deal.
I'm not really miserable. Missing my best bud has reached epic proportions and surpassed anything I would have expected a year ago but he's here and I'm embracing that. It takes some getting used to I can tell you. I'd be foolish to ignore all the signs and visits but sometimes, as I've often said here, I do and feel genuinely sorry for myself. However I think experiencing that, owning that and releasing that is exactly what I'm supposed to do. Suppressing any emotion will guarantee a pimple popping up somewhere or worse so I'm fairly honest with myself, at least in that respect.

The path I study says that everything in this world is neutral and that I give it all the meaning it has for me and I think I'm beginning to be able to step back and see that...finally. I'm choosing what I feel. No one else is in there, who else could it be? Repeating myself again however I can't say often enough that if my joy and serenity depends upon what's going on outside of me, I'm just asking for trouble. If I've learned anything I've learned that change is the only thing we can depend on in this world and if we dig our heels in to try and prevent it, well basically, we're buggered. That last word is clearly a euphemism for the one I'd like to use.

So here I am. I'll call it an intermission. Today, The Daily Flame or Inner Pilot Light, which is uncannily always tuned into my madness asked....Why are you in such a hurry? Don't you realize that sometimes the best course of action is waiting and becoming? There's a reason they call it intermission. It ain't about the popcorn! Patience precious!

I hope that wasn't a no-no. Repeating a portion of today's message. Brenda turned me onto it and it's wonderful. Seems like every day it's exactly what I need to hear. Or read. It's from Dr. Lissa Rankin and her site is a very uplifting collection of love and health.

So again here I am. I think I'm turning a corner on a journey that began with Tim's anniversary painting. Rendering is no longer satisfying and I'm thinking of just choosing a simple subject and committing to a quick study a day and see what happens. I do have another donation painting to finish so as least I'll be forced to work.

I'm good though. Really, not frontin' one bit. I'm blessed in so many ways. Yeah, Tim had to leave early but he's with me always, and what a gift that we even met!! That kind of love doesn't happen all the time and it's eternal! The one thing we all want is to love and be loved, valued and cherished by someone we respect, admire and treasure. And the Universe hooked me up...big time! I can be patient. I'll see him again. Meanwhile...I'll just do my best to do what's best. 
Thank you so much for dropping by. Your comments and caring, as I've said over and over, mean more than you will ever know!!