I want to thank each and every person who took the time to lend their support and sympathy. Your words mean so very, very much and you will never know how much it meant and continues to mean. And the irony is, I've never met any of you face to face, and yet you all feel like family!
Everyone has been so gracious and wonderful, I don't know how to thank you. Being rather shy people, we had become a tad reclusive of late and were regretful that we hadn't put ourselves out into the world much. Just last week we had joked that if anything ever happened to either of us, the other would be pretty much screwed since we actively maintained few if any friendships, preferring to selfishly, just enjoy each other.
How wrong I was!! Everyone Tim came into contact with had nothing but wonderful warm things to say about the kind of human being he was. I'm overwhelmed and comforted by each and every word, phone call, and visit.
I'm finding that when the feelings of loss, fear and searing pain begin to filter through, I am almost grateful. They are cathartic, healing. I also find that during those times, when I feel victimized by his loss, I don't feel him near me at all. However, when I quiet my mind and center myself and go within, I feel he's closer to me than my own breath. It feels as though he never left.
The deep terror in the pit of my stomach subsides when I turn within and spend time with the still small voice that has guided me for the past ten years on my journey to inner peace. Without this path I would be completely lost forever. I've never experienced a relationship like this. After almost 20 years we could still talk from dawn till dusk, still fascinated by what each other had to say. We marveled at the fun we had and how much we enjoyed each others company on a daily basis. No guilt or regret for not getting those sweet things said here. It was near constant.
I'm hesitantly but pleasantly surprised that my work is calling to me. The canvas feels, for the first time in my life, like it might be a safe place to be. And even even though he'll no longer be coming home after work to see what I've done and share his thoughts, I know he'll be with me all day as I paint. He will get me through this. My journey to inner peace will get me through this. My family and friends, both from cyberspace and close to home will get me through this.
I will survive, but I know will never be the same... and I don't mean that in any negative way. My life was blessed by the presence of this incredible man and I will not do him the disservice of filling it now with darkness and pain because I can no longer physically see or touch him. That would be selfish and not what he would want. We were far too close for him not to be with me now, in some way, and I must accept that.
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. And most of all thank you, Tim, for loving me and for sharing your incredible spirit with me for the last 20 years. You were a gift, and I have a feeling you will just keep on giving— as long as I keep my arms open to receive.