I am numb as I write this because it can't possibly be real, but beyond all hope it is. Wednesday morning as I tried to wake Tim for work, it became painfully clear that he was no longer alive. He was only 45 years of age.
I've been inundated with phone calls and visits from family, friends and co-workers offering me comfort and company and I can honestly say I don't know what I would do without them.
I'm not sure about painting, I'm not sure about anything as nothing was real or meant anything unless Tim was a part of it. I hope to be back soon but only time will tell. I won't know anything until the numbness wears off and I begin to try and process a loss I cannot even put into words.
Tim, you are and always will be the answer to my every prayer, my every hope and my every dream. You are the kindest, most generous, selfless person I have ever met, and it is an honor to be your wife, partner and best friend for almost 20 blissful years. I will carry your memory with me until my own heart stops beating, although I think it already did, on Wednesday morning.
My life will never be the same. I love you.
Suzanne, Raz and Blu Berry
Suzanne, I am absolutely heartbroken to hear this. I know that you and Tim have been a true love match, and if there is anything at all I can do for you, please let me know. I will be keeping both of you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you, from Mona
You don't know me at all, and I only know you through regularly visiting your blog Suzanne, but I'm absolutely heartbroken reading this. I can't even fathom how you are feeling. I just wanted to send my heartfelt condolenses and let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteDebra
Oh Suzanne, I am so, very, very sorry for your loss. There really are no words that are adequate enough to describe the sorrow you must be feeling. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry my dear sweet friend. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs to you dear Suz,
Crystal
Suzanne, my heart goes out to you, I am so very sorry to hear your news about Tim. How unbearable! I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain. I'm glad your network of family and friends are nearby to help you.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts.
Suzanne, My heart hurts for you!! The unimaginable has happened!!! You are strong and beautiful and amazing--Tim married you after all:) Be a living tribute to him!! Keep him alive through you and your strength! I'm thinking about you, praying for you and crying with you!!!
ReplyDeleteI know that words will never help. But know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many. Suz Blu and Ras, please hug and kiss each other and know that Tim is there too. Lots of virtual love and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, Suzanne, but I've been following your work for some time now. I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. There are no magic words to make things better, but please know you're being sent a world of love, even from those you haven't met.
ReplyDeleteRose Hohenberger
I have come here directly after sending you an email just a moment ago, having read an alarming message on Facebook. Still unable to believe it, I came here just hoping I was wrong... but I'm not... and I feel devastated that you have had to experience something so unthinkable. I have said on my email that I am here, as clearly we all are... as helpless as we all are...
ReplyDeleteTim is right there with you, holding your hand, holding your heart. And he will keep you strong xxxxxxx
Even though we only "know" each other through our blogs, I am so terribly sorry - and I am also grateful that you have friends and family to help you through.
ReplyDeleteDear Suzanne,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. I have been following you on facebook and your blog. I am speechless. He was way to young he was only 1yr. older than my sons. It's a heartbreak for you and your loved ones and shall remember you and Tim and your family in my prayers.
Take care Suzanne.
Joan
It is difficult for you to write this, but thank you for letting all of us know. My heart is breaking for you and you will be in my prayers, now and in the months ahead.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Genie
Suzanne, I am at a loss to know what to say. Things like this should never happen. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteDear Suzanne.I am so very sorry for your loss . My heart go out to you. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Suzanne, I can not even start to imagine how you must feel right now. Thanks for finding the courage to share this most tragic event with your followers. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTake your time, it'll be a while before, after the numbness wears out, you can feel normal again. But I really hope you will have the strength to find serenity, after this painful time. I hope you will continue with your art because you are so good at it, and I'm sure Tim would love that too.
Hope my words make sense because I'm here crying, not sure I can edit very well...
Suzanne, my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a strange thing to be so saddened for someone that you have not actually met - but I, like I'm sure many of your blog followers, feel like we know you through your words and beautiful art. And through your blog we have all witnessed through such endearing comments that you have written about your husband, that obviously he was a special man, very much loved by his wife. You will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWhat a shock. I can't believe what I've just read. Dear Suzanne, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and best friend. It's unbearable news : ( I send my deepest sympathies to you and those that loved Tim.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts, and much love to you during this unspeakable grief,
Kim
Dear Suzanne,
ReplyDeleteI was incredibly shocked by what I read, my deepest heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts as well.
Warmth & Love, Dana
I cannot believe what I have just finished reading. I am so very sorry I don't even know what to say. You are a very strong woman to have the ability to share this news with all of us so eloquently. You have shared so much of your life and special love in this space. Please know you are not alone, even though all I can do is send my thoughts and deepest sympathy.
ReplyDeleteLeslie
My sweetest Suz, Raz and Blue
ReplyDeleteI am here for you....
We are crying with you, and cannot stop, because we love you so.
We knew how much you loved Tim, and how much he loved you. And its just soooo sad that this has happened. We have not been able to stop thinking about you and Tim, Raz and Blu- you are like family to us,,, and we just want you to know that.
Your heart is broken, and we understand. We are here to surround you with love- me- my moms and all these people in the world who cared so much about you.
Please keep talking to us,,,when you can.
This post was so heart felt and I thank you for telling us what happened. Its just so shocking.
We want to come over to your house right now and hug you.
We love you my Suz.
love
your tweedles and moms
Dear Suzanne,
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going thru. I'm sending you prayers and love. Hang in there. Jeanne
Suzanne- I am so sorry to be reading and learning of your sad and so shacking news. My heart goes out to you and I just can't imagine. Please take care of yourself and know that Tim would want you to do that. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, I am in shock, disbelief and sorrow for your enormous loss. I don't know what else to say, but be strong my friend. I will contact you again soon.
ReplyDeleteOh Suzanne, I am so very sorry for your loss. We all know from your postings on your blog that Tim was your other half. Wishing you strength, sending you hugs and prayers...Dana
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Suzanne, this just happened 2 weeks ago to a dear friend of mine too, her husband was 40 years old. My heart goes out to you and your family. Praying you will receive all the comfort God has to offer from Him and from those around you who love and care for you. Care in Jesus from Okinawa, Japan
ReplyDeleteSuzanne my heart goes out to you - I am so very sorry for the loss of your love, your best friend. I am sending so many thoughts of care and support to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteDear Suzanne, I am so very sorry. Love and prayers are sent your way. Hugs ... Linda
ReplyDeleteI'm very deeply sorry for your loss. I don't know what else I can say, I'm wordless. Wishing you strength and patience...
ReplyDeleteDearest Suzanne, I am so so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Please know that you, Raz and Blue are in my prayers. Much love to you all.
ReplyDeleteOH NO! Suz, my heart is breaking for you. I have no words except to say I love you and that you are in my prayers. God Bless!
ReplyDelete-Don
S,
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry to hear of your loss. Life is to short.
Oh my God, Suz. Oh my God. I too am numb, am heartbroken for both you and Tim, for Raz and Blu. I know I'm far away but if there is anything, ANYTHING I can do, please do contact me. I am so very sorry, so sorry. Tim is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteDear Suzanne, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and I pray you'll find some comfort.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Suzanne, I am left with no words...I am SO sorry and my heart is breaking for you!! I am praying for you and your family!! Please know we are all here for you!!! Many hugs sent your way from me!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Suz,
ReplyDeleteI'm still here at the retreat and am shocked to stumble upon your sad news. Words can't express my sentiments. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine...
I'll be in touch.
Oh Suzanne, I can't imagine your pain. I am so so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne. I am just trying to grasp what happened. I can not believe this is real. Tim? Wonderful Tim? Oh, I just ache to give you a hug. Much love and tears are flowing for you and your horrible, painful loss. My dear. I'm beyond sorry.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, What a deep sadness I am feeling after reading your post and reading your husband and best friend is no longer with you. My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can offer is that time helps us heal and it will take time. Your loss is enormous. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteOMG! I am covered with chills. Wish I could grab 'lil Suz and protect her for a few months. Love you like a sister.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words of comfort, no 'I've been theres'. The only thing I can pass on is that your mind will deep-freeze itself because the loss is too great to absorb all at once...gradually the door will open to see if you are ready for a little bit...and you can close it if you want. With time (years), the door can stay open a bit more, or for longer.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep, that will make it easier to deal with the day. A bit of Ambien is better than Xanax.
I am so sad for you, especially for the next few weeks.
xxoo
vicki
Suzanne... oh Suzanne...
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, my dearest Gunkie. I am so very, very sorry. I was so stunned when I read, I cannot imagine how you feel. But I know you are a strong and beautiful and wonderful woman. Grieve, and know that hundreds of us are sorrowing with you. I send you my love and prayers and big hugs.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO
Kathryn
I am Tweedles Auntie and her Mom shared your loss with me. How tragic and frightful too. I just read the story you wrote when you posted Tweedles' painting that you did and I can tell you have a heart full of love and understanding. Why do bad things happen to good people I ask. My heart and soul grieves for you and your babies as well. I love this picture of your Tim. I am sure you will cherish his memories and he will always be close to your heart. My prayers are for God to hold you close and carry you through this difficult time. Aunt Jacque
ReplyDeleteMy heartfelt condolences and prayers go out to you, Suzanne.
ReplyDeleteI lost my loving wife in 2004. Know that you are loved by many friends.
I am so sorry to hear that Suzanne. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read about this bad new, I miss my words to tell you how I am consterned by the loss of your husband , and my heart goes out to you, Suz.
ReplyDeleteOh no. I'm so sorry. I hope you find comfort in many beautiful memories and love all around you.
ReplyDeleteI am so heartbroken for you. You opened your heart to all of us in this cyber world with your wonderfully beautiful meditative and thoughtful writings, and we all feel we know you and some of Tim. My picture of Tim was one of a grounded, supportive, caring and encouraging partner.
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to fathom how devastating this must be, life can change in an instant. I really have to say, when I first saw and read your post, how shocking it was, but I also had an overwhelming feeling that he gave you so much love and understanding that it will sustain you. That is his legacy, to give to you the love of all life has to offer, he was here to show you that, share it with you and teach you. I have no doubt he will guide you and you will feel him by your side in the days to come. Not everyone gets to experience what you two did, and that is the benefit of such a deep connection, it won't ever end. Peace, love and hope.
Oh Suzanne - as I read your courageous post and looked at the beautiful photo of Tim with Raz and Blu, the ache in my heart and tears flowing down my face were a surprise since I haven't known you that long and didn't realize how dear you have become. Tim will always live in your heart and his spirit will help you deal with this unbearable pain. Love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne,
ReplyDeleteThrough tear filled eyes I am reading your post. I am so sorry. It is a wonderful photo of Tim, Raz and Blu. My heart goes out to you, and prays to sustain you through this most difficult time.
Sue
This is sad news to read, dear Lady. I have been out of town and out of the loop for several days and am shocked by this sudden loss of your dear himself. I send my deepest sympathy and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your painful loss. Can't imagine. Please know you have lots of folks praying and thinking of you including me.
ReplyDeleteO...M...G! Suzanne, there are just no words to say to you. I cannot image what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken for you. You are in my prayers my dear friend.
God will get you though this.
Love you,
Madison
Suzanne, i cannot believe this! Your loss must be so crushing to every part of your being. i am sitting here in tears for you. I hope you are getting through the pain..and heartache. I simply cannot fathom such an untimely loss.You seem like a strong woman. May you have the ultimate support system right now. I am here for you..my deepest, deepest sympathy to you. God keep you in his arms.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Suzanne. This is something brings tears to my eyes. I can't imagaine. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteOh my god! I am SO shocked and sadden by his passing. I know there are no words I can say that will help your loss but I know having your loved ones around at this time, is a blessing for you. I didn't personally know Tim but that doesn't matter.... You are one of the sweetest people I have met online...and knowing that YOU loved him....I know he had to be VERY special!!!! I am here for you anytime. My thoughts are with you. Bless his beautiful spirit!
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you!
I've been a fan of your work for some time and to open this post knocked the air out of me. I can not tell you how deeply I am filled with sympathy. Thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteoh no - suzanne - i am so sorry! what a horror . . .
ReplyDeletewe are all connected by this digital web, and by other webs, too - allow yourself to be "inundated" by friends and family now, and know there are so many people who care about you. you are in our hearts.
Suzanne, I just opened your post and read your very sad news. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. Please know I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, As s fellow artist and admirer of your art, My heart is heavy for you. Please know that you are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, I am so sorry for your loss, my deepest, deepest sympathy.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, my heart goes out to you. Sending prayers and love.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, although I know you only through the blogs, I feel as though I understood you and Tim had something very special. It is hard to comprehend the way things work in life. You two were obviously soulmates, and had your art to keep you both so 'joined at the hip' with each other. I think that was something so special, and something that few people get to experience. May you recover, and heal, and carry on, although I know your heart is breaking. You have much support and love, and so much talent to see you through the hard times.... thinking of you ...
ReplyDeleteSuzanne,
ReplyDeleteI was so sorry for your loss. I have not been on the computer for a while so I just found out.
I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Any loss is tough, but losing our mate must be especially difficult.
As you can see from all the comments a lot of people are thinking of you.
Suzanne,
ReplyDeleteMy heartfelt sympathy and prayers go out to you. May God's compassion and peace enfold you and give you strength...
Suzanne: My heart goes out to you during this time. You can be assured that all of us have you in our prayers. The Lord is faithful to us during these times...lean on Him & our prayers. They will carry you through. Our love...
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss Suzanne. Holding you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSuz,
ReplyDeleteTaffy called me at work Monday morning to tell me the sad news.
I was unable to breathe and overcome with grief.
We are here for you and want you to know that you are not alone, not now or ever. Raz and Blu and you are in our prayers. When you are able we will get together and remember the good times we have shared. Himself is gone but will never be forgotten.
May the Good Lord give you peace and the strength to carry on.
As I am writing this Journey's "Carry On" is playing on the radio.
You, Raz and Blue are in our thoughts and prayers. Please reach out and let us help you get thru this most difficult of times.
Love always,
Taffy, Jimmy, Adam and Curley MonaLisa.
dearest suzanne my deepest condolences ..my thoughts are with you .
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss Suzanne. Thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, I have been following your blog for a long time. I can't imagine your pain. What a devastating loss. My thoughts are with you, always.
ReplyDeleteI come from time to time to your blog and I am appalled by what happens to you and your family. My deepest condolences.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your loss. My deepest condolences to you and all your family.
ReplyDeleteDear Suzanne, I was just sitting at the computer catching up on my favorite artists and BOOM! I just got punched in the stomach. I am so so sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine the pain you are going through. If there is anything I can do, please ask.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne,
ReplyDeleteLaurie Pace contact me. I'm an artist in Texas and member of CFAI also. First, I am so sorry. I do KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through. I'm 44. My husband was killed in a traffic accident April 16th of last year. I was in such shock that I didn't cry, I couldn't cry for weeks. It was surreal. NOTHING felt real. Through my blog I was able to work out the feelings. I encourage you to keep writing and don't give a damn about what other people may think and don't worry if what you are feeling (or not feeling) is normal or not. There is no normal when it comes to this. If you want to (and you may not at this point), it might help to read through my blog.
This is the first post I made after he passed
http://rebeccazook.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-am-lost.html
But the ones that really deal with what I went through start with "Cosmic Joke" on April 26th.
Contact me if you need to. It does get better with time. You will paint again. Don't worry about any of that now. You just need to get through each day as it comes and don't wall yourself in. Reach out to others.
-Rebecca
Suzanne, I just got word of your terrible loss, and want to express my deepest sympathy. Know that I have entered you into my daily prayer journal, and will daily lift you up in prayer..again, I am so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne,
ReplyDeleteEverything has been said, but I want to give my deepest condolences to you and your family. You are in my prayers.
Suzanne - I'm so sorry. My sincere condolences to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHaving not been on line for a week or two I was shocked to read your devastatingly sad news, I feel for your loss. Dear Suzanne, one who is such a generous and kind spirit, know that you are in my prayers and I send you my deepest condolences.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. There are no words. We send you all the love and light we have within us.
ReplyDeleteSo very, very sorry. Words are not enough.
ReplyDeleteSusanne, this is so sad, my heart reaches out to you , and I send you lots of love and hugs! ((((( )))))
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, I haven't checked the blogs I follow for quite awhile and was shocked and saddened to hear what has happened to Tim. I can't imagine what you are going through but thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne I am sorry on so many levels. Sorry that I am commenting so late and sorry beyond belief that you have lost your partner, husband, love. I cannot even fathom what you are feeling. I wish so much there was something anyone could say to make this pain go at least just slightly go away. You are such an amazing talent and so very kind - this breaks my heart for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I know you will find peace one day...and I hope you are being sustained by friends and family. I don't know you-- but I am deeply moved by your sincere and heartfelt love for your sweet husband.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you are moving forward and realizing that you can never be separated from him. He will always live on in your heart.
Lovingly, Carol Carter