BLUE LEAVES 1 in progress

12x12" oil on linen  in progress

I'm still here! It feels like it's been awhile. I've been working on commissions and not being obsessed with finishing "Laura".

I'm so grateful for the wonderful comments I've gotten on that painting, I can't thank everyone enough. It's hard not to feel like  a real artist reading comments like that, but I'm sure I'll manage somehow. Kidding.

Working on a painting that opens up the possibility of a change in direction brings up so much stuff. Realizing how much of my self-concept is tied up into being an artist isn't at all a comfortable feeling. Suddenly painting hands are beyond the scope of my ability, hair begins to get muddy, matted and heavy and it becomes close to impossible to create the right perspective on those damn containers. All imagined, all silly but if I don't acknowledge the poop it builds up and before you know it I'm in the middle of a poop storm— so I took a break and played amongst the leaves.

It's all so ridiculous. Why can't I be a hard working successful artist? What do I think is going to happen if I paint with some consistency and enjoy compliments, attention and sales? Sure there's the "other shoe" problem. You know what I mean. Things are going well and you begin to get uncomfortable waiting for the sound of that other shoe hitting the floor but that's not it.

I'm reading an incredible book right now entitled "Power vs Force, The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior," by David R. Hawkins. The basic premise is that realized human power has it all over force. And by power the author isn't talking about bullying, oppression or might. He's talking about kindness, tolerance and joy. The kind of power that made it possible for Gandi to defeat the British Empire.

One calibrates on the map of human consciousness (20 being the base and 1000 the highest) according to what one feels.  For example, exceedingly violent, hate-filled folks calibrate at 20, Mother Theresa calibrated at 700 plus. And the gist is that you attract what you project. I know what you're thinking but I assure you, no cosmic muffinery here, we're talkin' scientific fact! It's a fascinating read for both the die hard, show me the facts realists (Tim) and your basic cosmic muffin (moi).

The whole book resonated but this passage in particular is perfect for my ramblings above:

"All limited self-definitions create fear because they create vulnerability. Our perceptions are essentially distorted by our own self-definition, which in turn is qualified by identifying with our limitations. Error occurs when we cling to the belief that I am "that." Truth is unveiled when we see that one has "that" or does "that, instead of is that."

Total growth spurt!! So...conceptualize, paint and reap the benefits of it with joy. It's not who I am. It's what I do!

I do go on don't I? Anyway, the leaves are relaxing for me like the folds and I think going back to "Laura" with a clear head and new eyes will be beneficial. We have a section of our backyard that is comprised of woods with lots of ground cover. This past summer I took the camera out and snapped some really attractive sections. I have a triptych in mind but I'm going take my time and enjoy this one.

We'll see. Thanks so much for stopping by!