Tuesday, February 28, 2012

THANK YOU EVERYONE

Each time I open my blog to read the kind and supportive comments left, and I see Tim's serene face and his light-filled eyes, with the boys snuggled tightly on each side of his strong shoulders, I can't believe his name is followed by a span of time defining the length of his life. I can't put into words how impossible this all seems.

I want to thank each and every person who took the time to lend their support and sympathy. Your words mean so very, very much and you will never know how much it meant and continues to mean.  And the irony is, I've never met any of you face to face, and yet you all feel like family!

Everyone has been so gracious and wonderful, I don't know how to thank you. Being rather shy people, we had become a tad reclusive of late and were regretful that we hadn't put ourselves out into the world much. Just last week we had joked that if anything ever happened to either of us, the other would be pretty much screwed since we actively maintained few if any friendships, preferring to selfishly, just enjoy each other.

How wrong I was!! Everyone Tim came into contact with had nothing but wonderful warm things to say about the kind of human being he was. I'm overwhelmed and comforted by each and every word, phone call, and visit.

I'm finding that when the feelings of loss, fear and searing pain begin to filter through, I am almost grateful. They are cathartic, healing. I also find that during those times, when I feel victimized by his loss, I don't feel him near me at all. However, when I quiet my mind and center myself and go within, I feel he's closer to me than my own breath. It feels as though he never left.

The deep terror in the pit of my stomach subsides when I turn within and spend time with the still small voice that has guided me for the past ten years on my journey to inner peace. Without this path I would be completely lost forever. I've never experienced a relationship like this. After almost 20 years we could still talk from dawn till dusk, still fascinated by what each other had to say. We marveled at the fun we had and how much we enjoyed each others company on a daily basis. No guilt or regret for not getting those sweet things said here. It was near constant.

I'm hesitantly but pleasantly surprised that my work is calling to me. The canvas feels, for the first time in my life, like it might be a safe place to be.  And even even though he'll no longer be coming home after work to see what I've done and share his thoughts, I know he'll be with me all day as I paint.  He will get me through this. My journey to inner peace will get me through this. My family and friends, both from cyberspace and close to home will get me through this.

I will survive, but I know will never be the same... and I don't mean that in any negative way. My life was blessed by the presence of this incredible man and I will not do him the disservice of filling it now with darkness and pain because I can no longer physically see or touch him. That would be selfish and not what he would want. We were far too close for him not to be with me now, in some way, and I must accept that.


Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. And most of all thank you, Tim, for loving me and for sharing your incredible spirit with me for the last 20 years. You were a gift, and I have a feeling you will just keep on giving— as long as I keep my arms open to receive.

45 comments:

  1. Suzanne--what an incomprehensible shock. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

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  2. You are right, Suzanne! Mourn when you have to, but celebrate him, and your life as much as possible. You did get a glimpse into a different world, one of so much appreciation of how precious it all is. Thinking of you and sending love your way!

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  3. My dear Suz, as I read your touching tribute to Tim tears filled my eyes. Not from sorrow, although that is still there, but from the heartfelt words you have shared about a loving and caring relationship. What a wonderful gift to recognize and share with all of us who, as you said, have never met face to face. You are both a blessing.
    hugs ....

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  4. Suzanne, You have moved a step toward understanding it seems and these words may help the rest of us in time. Thank-you for sharing this beautiful tribute to Tim.

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  5. I feel a warmth and happiness inside just reading your words. You are one amazing person. Thank you for always being so willing to share yourself with us, you are so inspiring. And what a blessing to have with Tim what you did, of course he is still with you, right by your side. Hugs to you dear Suze. I hope you feel this peace always. :)))

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  6. Suzanne, Stay strong and God bless

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  7. My dear Suzanne,

    You are brave, strong, inspiring and amazing. You have a way with paint, a way with words and a way with people. Tim came into your life for a reason and you had twenty glorious years discovering what those reasons were. I believe you will spend the next twenty finding even more... the gift of his love did not leave this earth with him. He will always be with you.

    You have not been far from my thoughts every minute of the last few days since I read your shocking post. Thank you for letting us know how you are.

    With love,
    Nicki

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  8. I'm so relieved to see your post today; I was afraid you might have gone to some dark place never to be heard from again. Thank you for sharing this journey. You're teaching all of us something about the power of love.

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  9. Suzanne, I had not known about your loss until this morning...I haven't been in cyberspace much lately and we keep having power outages...I am evading the issue, though. I am so very sorry for your loss! I can scarcely imagine what you are experiencing but feeling very hopeful after reading this last post. Art is healing if you let it be. Sending a big hug!

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  10. Hello dear Friend Suzanne!... I have sent along my own thoughts and feelings... only for "You"... via the email route!

    Much Peace and love!
    Bruce

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  11. May the stars carry your sadness away,
    May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
    May hope forever wipe away your tears,
    And, above all, may silence make you strong.
    - Chief Dan George

    So so sorry for your loss. You are an inspiration. I'm sure Tim would be very proud.

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  12. Suzanne, I am in shock and filled with so much sadness for your loss. Have been out of town for a week and away from the computer, so am just now finding out about Tim. This is such a beautiful tribute to him and to the life you have shared for so many years. Blessings and peace to your in the days ahead.

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  13. Suzanne, we all love you! It is weird [happy weird], but you really do seem close to me, too. You are so damn bright, intelligent and passionate. I know Tim is with you in those quiet, deep moments in time.
    Love ya, Gunkie

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  14. I'm so happy to hear from you once again, Suzanne!! Its horrible not knowing how you are...You've been in my thoughts and glad you posted again, so I know you're okay..! Hugs!

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  15. Suzanne, you're one of a kind. At a time when we are supposed to be showing you the way, it is you that shows us. You're an inspiration.

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  16. Suzanne, you are incredible and that is why Tim loved you and will never leave you - your spirits will always be intertwined. I will check back often from my home afar in Canada to see how you are doing. Love Julia

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  17. That is a love that is just beyond anything here and now...it is forever and you feel that- let it comfort you and know that it is there. You were blessed- Tim also to have had you. hugs to you:)

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  18. You are a strong woman, a loving person with a talent for creating art that will help you through the difficult days and let you smile with good memories of a relationship that was golden. Tim will make sure of that. Hang in there kiddo.

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  19. Dear Suz
    Just as your paint brush drifted across canvas to paint beauty, it reached out - touched us an pulled us closer to you-
    Well, when your words spoke of Tim, we could feel your love for him as if you were creating a beautiful painting.
    Even though we never knew Tim - we loved him.
    And even though we have never met you- we love you.
    Tim is in your heart- he filled you with his love.
    love
    tweedles

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  20. Suz, your generous humble spirit shines through your words.... i hear a strong woman accepting of her own fragility at this time and knowing that she must move forward one step at a time.... by the way, as long as we have compassion and empathy, we are a real family... hugs r.

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  21. Dear Suzanne, i'm very sorry i've read your previous post now, I can't belive such a thing, i'm sincerely saying that you always enriched my life with your art, now i can not hug you but i'm sending you my warm feelings, please don't forget that you have many people with you, sometimes we need a big change in our life to make us take a pace and sometimes pain can be the power. I believe Tim will always be with you, With love.

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  22. Suz, your words gave me goosebumps, literally. I am so proud of you, of your strength, of your glorious heart. I am so certain that Tim WILL always be with you. I am glad he will not let you quit painting. He is and was and always will be your strongest supporter and biggest fan. I too tend to be reclusive as does my husband. My friends all seem to be via blogging, with the exception of one lady at my work. I've liked you and your work since I first found your blog and read your heart in your words. You will always have me as a friend.

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  23. I am so relieved that you can feel and see beyond the intense emotional pain you feel. You are absolutely right - he would hate to think of you feeling so bleak and lost, as you would him if it were the other way around. If the canvas is drawing you in, then go with it. Tim will still be whispering his thoughts to you and you will hear them. Sending lots and lots of love and to you xxx

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  24. There are just no words, Suzanne, but you have expressed your feelings so well. I do hope your art calls to you and comforts you. And know that you have made many friends from your blog.

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  25. Big cyber hug to you Suzanne. You are an amazing women with the way you've handled this crazy situation. You are the one who has suffered the loss, but managed to take some of the sting out of it for those around you with this beautifully written post. There are a ton of friends out here who care. People go through their whole lives and never have a relationship like the one you shared with Tim. I know now that you are the richer person for it.

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  26. Suzanne, I am so so sorry for your great and sudden loss. I know Tim must have been a wonderful, beloved man.

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  27. Just for you, Ms Suze, because a virtual hug was not enough:

    http://www.monicaburnette.com/2012/02/ladybug-for-suzanne.html

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  28. Suz, thank you for sharing how you are doing. You have been in my thoughts constantly this week and have been mentioned often during my prayer time. Hugs.

    -Don

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  29. I don't think you will know me but we have had brief contact online. I was shocked to hear of your untimely loss and have thought of you often since. My eyes are full of tears reading your beautiful words; your tribute to your best friend, your husband.

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  30. Good Morning Dear Suzanne!... and I truly hope that it is a bit better at least! It will take time my dear... so allow your Self that!

    The outpouring of genuine love and sorrow that each of us has sent to "You"... is a very strong affirmation of what you have just spoken for us in this courageous post!

    We look up to you with Love... Respect and Admiration... and not just for the Art Gift that you have shared with us. Now... that has been further buttressed by your immense depth of character and spirit... the same place from where your Art has always come!

    I left a few words on my current blog post... dedicated to "You"... and Tim Suzanne. I truly hope that when you are able to read them... that they bring some comfort and reason to Hope... and to Paint on... as Tim would want you to!

    Much Peace and love!
    Bruce

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  31. What a heartfelt tribute to your Tim and to us. Thank you for talking with us, Suz. You are a strong and beautiful woman. Love and hugs, Cathyann

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  32. Suzanne, I just saw your facebook post. I am so very sorry. I hope you will find comfort in your art and peace knowing Tim is there with you always. Sending you hugs and prayers.

    Such an outpouring of love is being sent through the words and prayers from friends.
    I hope you are feeling the love being sent to you.
    Love and hugs, Carol

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  33. Suz, this is such a touching tribute, thank you for sharing it with us. It seems you had a very special relationship, one that not many are lucky enough to share. May that knowledge give you peace.

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  34. I completely agree with Carol. Thanks for sharing.

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  35. This is so beautiful Suzanne. Your strength in sorrow shines brightly. I have no doubt Tim is still with you. I hope you can find yourself painting soon.

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  36. Suzanne - I haven't been blogging lately, and just read your post about your dear Tim. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the shock and pain this must be. Please know I'm thinking of you and wishing you continued strength and love in the days ahead.

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  37. Hugs to you, sweet Suz. Not enough, I know.

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  38. Suzanne, I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. Tim sounds like such a wonderful man. I'm so glad you found each other, and had such a beautiful life together, even though it was not long enough. It's good that you are still painting as it will help heal your soul.

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  39. It's a beautiful tribute to him and says so much about your strength and inner qualities. Thank you for sharing this inspiring blog post. Bless you dear!

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  40. My Dear Friend Suz,
    I am always inspired by your words and strength. You are a very special person to all of us.
    I know you are experiencing changes in your life now that are very hard for you but you have an amazing way of dealing with what God has given you. I know you will get through this with the grace of God and all the support you have.
    Your canvas is calling you because that is what Tim wants you to do. I am glad you have your path.
    I know how much it means to you. I am here if you need me.
    Love you,
    Madison

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  41. I am so sorry for your loss....I like your work!

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  42. You have ben on my mind so much, Suzanne... and since you lost Tim I lost a good friend and mentor and have been busy with other friends getting HER Memorial service done in a way that honored the awesome person and artist that she was. So, know that although I haven't been writing, my heart has sent you warmth and support. You'll never be without Tim. I wish I could get him back for you, and i can only imagine trying to maneuver day to day living without him. You'll make it, I know, but I wish your path could be smoother. Love & pug kisses,
    xo

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  43. Suz, having been "away" I had no idea. You were one of the first ones I was excited to check on after getting back to the blog world. Usually, I can't shut-up, right now I simply can not find the words I need. The blessing of having Tim in your life will surely shine brighter as each day passes. Please know I will pray for your heart to mend quickly. Blessings and love, Sandy.

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  44. dearest Suzanne,
    I am Stunned by this awful news. There are no words I can think of that might give you even an ounce of comfort.
    I do advise to write about him and keep him here with you. In my opinion and I haven't walked in your shoes, when people say the only things they know how to say, and you've covered them all, they don't realize that the loss never gets less, it never gets better and that there's NO closure. ( I hate that word)
    My thoughts and prayers are with you Suzanne as you make it through each minute without your dearest love. I'm so sorry.

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Your visits to my blog and the comments you leave here are an integral part of my creative process. They are helpful, supportive and well, let's face it, they feel really good! If I don't thank you personally, please allow me to thank you in advance for taking the time to stop by and leave your thoughts, they mean so much!