Sunday, December 8, 2013
16x16" oil on linen
Maddie is a Westie and a Christmas commission. I so hope her Mom likes it, it's a surprise. I've been assured that she wouldn't see it here so I am looking forward to hearing how it's received. It was a lot of fun to work on except this is my first time using Blick Linen. We didn't hit if off, but I have another canvas of theirs to work on so we'll see.
Been having a difficult few weeks but I think it's because I realized I was falling back on some bad behaviors every night to dull the senses. Overeating has always been my first drug of choice but I've found it's no longer affording me any peace, not that it ever has, so I decided to change my habits. And of course, all of the emotions I've been pushing down with peanuts (you remember them) etc., are now washing over me like a set of large cresting waves, increasing in size with each successive one. And this is a good thing!! In my studying I've learned that I need to sit in these feelings and experience them before they can be released, so actually what feels like poop will eventually clear the way for even more healing.
It's really amazing to realize that those awful feelings we have are there because we need to feel them, not try to make them disappear. Ugh! But I have to admit, once I sit in them, experience them, feel them, there is a sense of a huge weight being lifted. Resist nothing! That's what seems to be coming at me from all directions and I'm finding that admitting and facing my fears and dreads is what diminishes them and makes them go away....for good.
Tim has been very sweet during this time. In fact the latest "visit" has me so freaked out I hesitate to share it. But of course I will and I'll keep it short because I'm very uncomfortable with it and am having trouble embracing it.
Real bad day last Wednesday. Wandering from room to room, lots of ugly crying, couldn't work, couldn't read...felt like it just happened. Plopped down on the couch with the pups and just looked out the window feeling just awful. The mailman pulls up. The dogs freak out. I let them out the back so they could give the mailman a piece of their minds and I could go out the front and retrieve the mail. What is it with dogs and mailman. They go nuts! Anyway....
Back in the house I see an envelope from Amazon. Not remembering ordering a book recently, I ripped it open to find a book entitled..Chicken Soup for the Soul...Miraculous Message from Heaven! I had no memory of ordering this book, but thought if I did at some point and forgot, the timing could not have been more perfect. I smiled, looked up and thanked Tim for his ever impeccable timing.
Thinking I'd ordered it months ago and it was out of stock, I examined the envelope for the receipt that always accompanies anything I order from Amazon. Nothing! Hmmmm....So I went online and reviewed my order history for the last full year. Nothing! There simply is no evidence that I ordered this book whatsoever!!
Okay....what's going on here? I began reading the stories which were very comforting as promised and most of them were about objects with real meaning, to those who received them, manifesting in the physical world which freaked me out even more! I shared this with 3 close friends to see if they would shine me on and think...okay, she's lost it, but they were supportive and excited, so I decided to share this with you guys. I must admit, I am a little ashamed of myself as I always tried to make Tim embrace the metaphysical when he was here and now that he's tossing me some serious proof of its existence, I'm balking! Again, I think it's that bugaboo of wanting something so much that when you receive it, you just can't believe it!
I'm still very freaked out. I saved the envelope and continue to read each story of hope, love and assurance and I feel so much better I can't believe it! This is an amazing journey. I've begun keeping a record of each "visit" and gift and it's been so incredibly invaluable I am amazed!! My mood has shifted completely and I can't thank Tim enough for continuing to show me that he's right here with us.
Clearly, Tim Berry has not lost one ounce of cool! Thank you my love for this gift of peace and assurance.
December 10, 2013
And I must say, I am both a little disappointed and a tad relieved! I just stumbled out of bed and while the boys were eating logged on to find an email from a new friend Wendy Barnes. Wendy is also my first attempt at teaching online.
Anyway, in her email Wendy asked if I had received the copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul....she recently sent me as a gift!
OOOOkay!! I definitely was having trouble embracing this particular "visit" from Tim. They say souls retain their personality when they pass, and this "gift" really didn't fit his. However, I'm both proud and happy that I was open to believing it could have been from him.
And so, the mystery of this blog entry is solved. And thank you so much Wendy, I still believe the arrival of the book at a time when I needed it most was, in its own way, a miracle.