Friday, February 21, 2014
TIM IN THE LIGHT
"Tim in the Light"
8x8" oil on linen
I found the reference photo for this while going through those huge bags of old mail I've been whining about lately. I'd forgotten all about it. I was thrilled to see it. Planned another big portrait, another week or two of "time in the studio with Tim"...sounds like a PBS instruction show...however, apparently he was not havin it. I got the distinct impression that another large portrait wouldn't be a good idea. I "heard" the word obsessive and he doesn't want that, so I compromised and did a quick study which I'm very happy with.
Keeping in mind his opinion that I "overwork" my paintings, I decided I would follow his line of thought while working on this. "Don't linger over a specific area!; don't paint a continuous color anywhere, break it up!; that area is DONE! do not touch it!; Dash in the color!"
I think he's so pleased with himself right now. I can just hear him..."See!! I told you!"
The anniversary proper is February 23rd, however I "feel" as if the 3rd Thursday in February should be it. It just seems so impossible that one can go to sleep and just leave like that! But still, I understand now that it was his time and I am so very grateful he left with us snuggled lovingly around him.
Oddly enough my resident geek and good friend Jon came over yesterday...the 3rd Thursday in February...and asked if I was ready to read Tim's "vanity" page, which he has been holding for the last two years. Vanity page...a term, from the paper the three of us worked for, defining a page that appeared in the paper that is then subsequently printed out on glossy stock for framing. In this case the vanity page is his obituary.
It was surreal seeing our names with those words surrounding them. "Wife found him dead." "Died in his sleep." They can't possibly mean us! But, I must be getting better. I read it and was able to distance myself from feeling left behind, abandoned.
Not gonna front though. I dove headlong into the pity pot for a nice extended stay earlier this week and haven't come up for air yet, but it is getting tired. And he's done so very much to keep in touch, it's just mind boggling. I won't go in to detail as I feel uncomfortable sharing it all now for some reason. It's basically for me so I'll know he's with me. I feel as I share every detail, I'm just trying to convince everyone of what I know to be a fact. Suffice it so say he's left little room for doubt...and yet, I still do, but that's normal.
Even feeling adrift in between signs and messages and needing that constant contact was addressed. My dear friend Carolyn, who suffered the same sudden and tragic loss this past August, shared the title of a book written by George Anderson that she's been reading. I read it years ago but thought it would mean so much more now. (gee...ya think?) I bought it on Kindle and the first passage I read explained that we are meant to go on as the unique individuals we are and constant contact would prohibit that. They make contact when it's time and going on doesn't mean leaving behind so, aside from the anniversary dreads, I'm pretty much good to go. As long as he checks in now and again...often.
And as for feeling awful, that's part of healing as well. Sometimes ya just gotta meet yourself where you are. And sometimes ya just gotta sit there and keep yourself company.
Thank you so much for dropping by, for the support and caring and for your friendship.