Friday, February 21, 2014

TIM IN THE LIGHT
























"Tim in the Light"
8x8" oil on linen
NFS

I found the reference photo for this while going through those huge bags of old mail I've been whining about lately. I'd forgotten all about it. I was thrilled to see it. Planned another big portrait, another week or two of "time in the studio with Tim"...sounds like a PBS instruction show...however, apparently he was not havin it. I got the distinct impression that another large portrait wouldn't be a good idea. I "heard" the word obsessive and he doesn't want that, so I compromised and did a quick study which I'm very happy with.

Keeping in mind his opinion that I "overwork" my paintings, I decided I would follow his line of thought while working on this. "Don't linger over a specific area!; don't paint a continuous color anywhere, break it up!; that area is DONE! do not touch it!; Dash in the color!"

I think he's so pleased with himself right now. I can just hear him..."See!! I told you!"

The anniversary proper is February 23rd, however I "feel" as if the 3rd Thursday in February should be it. It just seems so impossible that one can go to sleep and just leave like that! But still, I understand now that it was his time and I am so very grateful he left with us snuggled lovingly around him.

Oddly enough my resident geek and good friend Jon came over yesterday...the 3rd Thursday in February...and asked if I was ready to read Tim's "vanity" page, which he has been holding for the last two years. Vanity page...a term, from the paper the three of us worked for, defining a page that appeared in the paper that is then subsequently printed out on glossy stock for framing. In this case the vanity page is his obituary.

It was surreal seeing our names with those words surrounding them. "Wife found him dead." "Died in his sleep." They can't possibly mean us! But, I must be getting better. I read it and was able to distance myself from feeling left behind, abandoned.

Not gonna front though. I dove headlong into the pity pot for a nice extended stay earlier this week and haven't come up for air yet, but it is getting tired. And he's done so very much to keep in touch, it's just mind boggling. I won't go in to detail as I feel uncomfortable sharing it all now for some reason. It's basically for me so I'll know he's with me. I feel as I share every detail, I'm just trying to convince everyone of what I know to be a fact. Suffice it so say he's left little room for doubt...and yet, I still do, but that's normal.

Even feeling adrift in between signs and messages and needing that constant contact was addressed. My dear friend Carolyn, who suffered the same sudden and tragic loss this past August, shared the title of a book written by George Anderson that she's been reading. I read it years ago but thought it would mean so much more now. (gee...ya think?) I bought it on Kindle and the first passage I read explained that we are meant to go on as the unique individuals we are and constant contact would prohibit that. They make contact when it's time and going on doesn't mean leaving behind so, aside from the anniversary dreads, I'm pretty much good to go. As long as he checks in now and again...often.

And as for feeling awful, that's part of healing as well. Sometimes ya just gotta meet yourself where you are. And sometimes ya just gotta sit there and keep yourself company.

Thank you so much for dropping by, for the support and caring and for your friendship.

37 comments:

  1. FIRST of all - DAMN! Is he available for mentoring or is it just you!?!? This is such a powerful, amazing piece. I don't agree that you 'overwork', but this is so confident, so SUZANNE…. glad you took his advice. :)
    Nobody who has not gone through what you have had EVER better disagree with your experience of his continuing contact. And while you cannot help but feel tender and sore about this time of year, you grow stronger month by month, and will continue to do so. My heart is with you, too. Continue to amaze us. Or not. Whatever feels like the right thing to do. It's OK to have a pity party, but make sure you include cake. xo

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  2. Speechless. The tenderness and the strength both shine through. What a gorgeous man. Your love is not wasted, dear Suzanne. Keep on sharing your journey of both pain and wonderment. It is very special.

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  3. And sometimes sweet Suz, you gotta talk... and let those words come out, and your feelings come out,,, Its part of healing too,,,, birds rest when their wings get tired,,, and sometimes they do a lot of chirping,,, - its part of healing,,,
    What you create with your magic paint brush is flawless, We feel the energy as it glides on the canvass,,, We feel what you portray,,, Your amazing,,, please do not stop talking,,,, we- all of us - also heal from your words.
    love
    tweedles

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  4. This is a lovely painting. A true favorite.

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  5. Oh Suzanne, my heart melts in sorrow for you. I wish I could be there for you, where you are, give you a hug, a smile, cry with you for a very long while, sit with you in silence, be there to grieve with you, paint with you, feel the loss, remember the joys as you share them with me anew, and so much more. I miss you so much my dear friend!!! I'm soooo, sooo sorry for being gone for so long myself - winter's are not so good for me either, and I've been stewing in my own pity pot myself this last week and feeling rather burnt from it. It hurts quite a bit, to be honest, and I'd like to crawl out and have some time to heal now. If and when you are ready to come out too, I'm here for you, I hope you know that.

    This painting is beautiful beyond measure - and you're right - the fact that you didn't dawdle or linger over certain areas makes it all the more perfect, Suz! I love how this turned out - the lighting, the brushstrokes, the expression on his face and the way you portrayed his mood - I just love this piece! Again, I wish I could be there for you while you go through all this pain - I could use a shoulder to cry on myself, so we would make the perfect pair! I treasure your friendship, miss talking to you so much, and am praying for you through this difficult, difficult month! May the grief pass at least a little more quickly from now on. I know I have no idea what it's like, I can't even imagine, but I pray in time the pain at least turns numb so that rather than just the pain during this time you would only remember the joyous moments instead. I love ya, Suz, and I miss our talks like crazy! Take care of yourself, my sweet friend, and if you ever feel up to it, visit our blog - I left you a post awhile back that I just re-edited so if you have a moment it's there for you. Beautiful painting from a beautiful soul, as always! You never, ever cease to amaze me!

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  6. Gosh, Suz. Tim is so very handsome, isn't he? You two captured some amazing genes from the pool. I am so glad he lets you know he is still with you in so many ways. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You know what you know what you know.

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  7. This looks like each brush stroke was lovingly caressed. Tim glows, my friend.
    Bren

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  8. Very fresh and flattering Suz ((hugs))

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  9. Jaw dropping! It's a marvelous study in light and personality, You are always such a rock of the steady mind and hand!

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  10. Nuff said. I have nothing clever or insightful to add to this wonderful article, painting, and comments. Hope you've been getting my emails! I'm going to Flip this I to my Flipboard magazine, " Axully?". It is a grand aggregator where I can see all kinds of things I'm interested in, have my FB and twitter, all nice and neat in one place. Check it out (it's free). http://flip.it/IN4Rh

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  11. I'm speechless, Suzanne. Tim was incredibly handsome.. you painted this SO beautifully and perfectly. He would have loved this portrait!! Hugs, my friend!!

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  12. Really sensitive portrayal,Suzanne.Lovely.

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  13. This is fabulous Suz! I love the light and looseness and colour, just wonderful. Tim's voice in your head and heart guide you daily in life and painting. You can't go wrong.

    I'm glad you're feeling your feet under you and yes, there will be times when everything is uncertain and just plain sucks. But we have that even when those we love are right next to us. You're doing just fine. Now stop painting so darned well, you're showing us all up! :))

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  14. Such a profound portrayal, Suz. Tim's eye just draws me right in ... almost into what he is thinking. Magnificent, My Gunkish Friend!!

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  15. That is a stunning portrait. Just beautiful. The love in it just shows through.

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  16. So beautiful, so luminous, so soft. He is glowing. It's wonderful.

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  17. I have been back to look at this incredible painting several times and can still find no words to describe just how perfect, how glowing, how spiritual it is. You have painted love right on the canvas. Wonderful, Suzanne - really wonderful.

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  18. I have to tell you... I'm sitting with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes... this is so, so, so beautifully written, Suzanne. My heart goes out to you, and to your friend Carolyn as well. The portrait is mesmerizing, and the fact that you were listening to him talk to you as you painted it... I can see that in how it is painted. You have a beautiful way of expressing what's inside you.

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  19. Beautiful little portrait. I love reading your posts, you have so much wisdom.

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  20. Your portrait is SO perfect - SO beautiful - and he is so right in what he says about painting. Can you ask if he will pop over to visit me in my studio the next time I paint? I could do with being nudges away from detail too.
    What this portrait gives him is life! And I think that's what the 30 in 30 painting had too. So, he is right in what he says. I LOVE your work - always have and have yet to come across more of a talent than you. And I couldn't believe that the faster you work, the better you become! Amazing! Seems to me that he is painting with you. No need to convince me of anything :0)

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  21. Oh Suz, I love, love, love this soft rendition of Tim!!! It's so amazing!

    Another anniversary gone by. Congrats for being such a strong person. You made it through. Hugs my friend.

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  22. Hi there Suz!... A sensitive and evocative rendering of a deeply important and personal subject! The softness of the edges and light and edges helps to capture the deep feelings of Tim's continued presence in your life and your thoughts in your usual spiritual fashion.

    Contined Good Painting... Healing and Inner Peace!
    Warmest regards,
    Bruce

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  23. incredible portrait of your loved one ...hug jane

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  24. hi there Suz !
    Fantastic image and words. You sound well, indeed!

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  25. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  26. Hi Suzanne,

    Beautiful work. I am always moved by what you write.

    XOXOXO Barbara

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  27. Hey Suz, I haven't been around the "blog" for awhile. I'm jumping back on the track and wanted to see what you've been working on - O...MY...GOODNESS! Your work is even more astounding now than it was before! I'm so glad I stopped by - pure eye candy :)

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  28. that's a beautiful portrait of Tim, Suzanne.
    I totally hear you with this post. I am looking for signs everywhere from my Mama and often feel bereft.
    I know they live on and you do too, but sometimes it's not enough.
    You know what you need and the sadness has to come out.
    Keep on keepin' on ;)

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  29. Tim gives some great advice and I am glad you listened to him. This portrait is so full of life. Beautiful!
    Hoping your journey continues to include healing for your heart and wonderful memories of a lifetime love.

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  31. OK, girlfriend. It's been a month. A very. Tough. Month.
    But I know you've been in your studio. Show us, Suz….. You are in all our thoughts.

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  32. Brilliant portrait, so soft and tender, perfectly painted.

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  33. I'm glad Tim "told" you how to handle this portrait. He is a great mentor. He is/was a very handsome man. Best of all, he is/was every bit as great on the inside as on the outside. That's something I know ......from reading everything you've written about him. :)

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  34. Wow. However you felt Tim working through you, it sure made one stop-you-in-your-tracks portrait. What a beautiful way to pay tribute to him. It is painted so skillfully, and with such love that you can feel the emotion. Thinking of you often Suzanne <3

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  35. This is beautiful, Suzanne. You should be pleased.

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  36. This is so gorgeous. You have really captured the expression on his face. The lighting and soft quality are really stunning :)

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  37. Suzanne, I was perusing some portraits on Google images and was really impressed by this painting, and delighted to see it was by you. It's beautiful, and the love really shines through.

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Your visits to my blog and the comments you leave here are an integral part of my creative process. They are helpful, supportive and well, let's face it, they feel really good! If I don't thank you personally, please allow me to thank you in advance for taking the time to stop by and leave your thoughts, they mean so much!