Wednesday, May 28, 2014

5x7" oil on linen


Okay, I'll be brutally honest. I have hit the proverbial wall! Smacked face first right into that sucker! BAM!!!! 
Haven't got a clue what's going on and oddly enough don't even care! Figuring out why I do things that aren't, on the surface, good for me has never ever aided me in stopping them so why take the time to bathe the ego is all that focus and attention? That's exactly what it wants.

I can't stand the painting I posted and have had it languishing in limbo for the last 3 days, opening up my blog list to look at it from time to time, hoping that I'll see it and not feel repulsed. I can't believe I had the arrogance to reach out to a few artists I admire and try to wrestle them from their "intermission" with all sorts of advice, none of which is helping me now. Forgive my hubris in thinking that I had the answers. Clearly I don't and never will. And I think realizing that is a good thing. Plus, let's face it, poking my nose into someone elses' bidness is a stellar way to stay out of my own. A "let me reach out and fix the world while my own is crumbling around me" type deal.
I'm not really miserable. Missing my best bud has reached epic proportions and surpassed anything I would have expected a year ago but he's here and I'm embracing that. It takes some getting used to I can tell you. I'd be foolish to ignore all the signs and visits but sometimes, as I've often said here, I do and feel genuinely sorry for myself. However I think experiencing that, owning that and releasing that is exactly what I'm supposed to do. Suppressing any emotion will guarantee a pimple popping up somewhere or worse so I'm fairly honest with myself, at least in that respect.

The path I study says that everything in this world is neutral and that I give it all the meaning it has for me and I think I'm beginning to be able to step back and see that...finally. I'm choosing what I feel. No one else is in there, who else could it be? Repeating myself again however I can't say often enough that if my joy and serenity depends upon what's going on outside of me, I'm just asking for trouble. If I've learned anything I've learned that change is the only thing we can depend on in this world and if we dig our heels in to try and prevent it, well basically, we're buggered. That last word is clearly a euphemism for the one I'd like to use.

So here I am. I'll call it an intermission. Today, The Daily Flame or Inner Pilot Light, which is uncannily always tuned into my madness asked....Why are you in such a hurry? Don't you realize that sometimes the best course of action is waiting and becoming? There's a reason they call it intermission. It ain't about the popcorn! Patience precious!

I hope that wasn't a no-no. Repeating a portion of today's message. Brenda turned me onto it and it's wonderful. Seems like every day it's exactly what I need to hear. Or read. It's from Dr. Lissa Rankin and her site is a very uplifting collection of love and health.

So again here I am. I think I'm turning a corner on a journey that began with Tim's anniversary painting. Rendering is no longer satisfying and I'm thinking of just choosing a simple subject and committing to a quick study a day and see what happens. I do have another donation painting to finish so as least I'll be forced to work.

I'm good though. Really, not frontin' one bit. I'm blessed in so many ways. Yeah, Tim had to leave early but he's with me always, and what a gift that we even met!! That kind of love doesn't happen all the time and it's eternal! The one thing we all want is to love and be loved, valued and cherished by someone we respect, admire and treasure. And the Universe hooked me up...big time! I can be patient. I'll see him again. Meanwhile...I'll just do my best to do what's best. 
Thank you so much for dropping by. Your comments and caring, as I've said over and over, mean more than you will ever know!!


  1. these tomatoes are soooo interesting to me. The first one is frowning...the 3rd one is smiling and the one in the middle is a hand/palm that is facing up. You have to forgive me, I make things out of everything is some sort of inkblot test-but maybe you did build some of those shapes subliminally. It would be cool to think so! I know you said you didn't like this painting, but I do. I'm allowed to say that, right? I love what you wrote about how we all create our own feelings--where else can they possibly come from? We are the ones who decide moment by moment our own reality. So true. It's a lot like the symbols I see in/on your tomatoes. :)

  2. Sweet Suz,
    When mama walked across the room to see what I was readying and looking at,, she said "wow". That's because of how good the painting of your tomatoes are. She stopped and looked for a long time, and then we talked about the feelings we get when we looked at the tomatoes.. like they were so real we could slice them and eat them.
    But Suz, what I see are and hear are your words- that you trust us to listen to you today--- another step on your journey- that you have graciously said we could walk with you on,.,,, thank you for trusting us,, thank you for letting the words flow out of your mouth into our hands,,, and you know what,,, we are going to plant the little seeds, and ask them to fill you with overflowing love. Your hurting and we understand,
    We love you
    tweedles and moms

  3. Your painting makes me want tomatoes. A tomato sandwich. A BLT. Salad...something with tomatoes. I think it is wonderful, Suz, but that harsh critic within overrules at times. I admit that I've been worried about you as it has been awhile since you've posted. But life's journey is always turning up stones and I suspected you were on that path for a bit too. So glad you surfaced to let me know you are ok. Love how you think and write too. You always bring a smile to my face.

  4. Wow, I am gobsmacked that you don't like it! You have a gift that most Artists would give anything for and yet you seem to be completely unaware of it! If I had painted it, I would be delighted with it and if I had posted it I imagine toy would have been telling me how great it is! You need to learn to detach from the work being yours because at the moment you are still going through a very bad place and this will affect how you feel about everything you do. Trust me, you are a phenomenal Artist and one I aspire to be! It is an amazing painting and yes, if your having trouble believing it then do some more of those Daily Paintings you did which were equally absolutely out of this world! :0)

  5. Missed you Suzanne and happy to have you back!

  6. Suze all the platitudes I've heard over the years want to come out of my keyboard but I know better. So sorry you are struggling. The tomatoes are luminous.

  7. Suz, you have a way with words that is quite special. As I read your posts I feel less as if I'm reading, and more as if I'm sitting on the couch beside you. Your words are deep, emotional, thoughtful, and poetic, yet casual and relaxed at the same time .... just as if you were talking to us. And the painting is pretty good too. ;-)

  8. My Sweet Gunkie,
    I hate to agree with you on this, but I do - those tomatoes are just not you at all. We artists all go through paintings and times like this that you have so perfectly described. [I just finished two that I looked at, when "finished", and thought WTH???] And I know we will chalk it up to experience and learning, and move on to create some truly awesome work!!! I can see Tim there, laughing and shaking his head, and in his way, telling you it is all right, and to keep on keeping on.
    Love you, Gunkness! XX

  9. Your post is very emotional, Suzanne! and I wish I can help you in some way!!!
    The only thing you can do is to stay busy with your Art ... the mourning period is never easy... I know I'd be the same way! The tomatoes are really good, my friend.
    and we know you're not "miserable"'re hurting like any normal person would!!
    Glad you're back!!!

  10. Love the 'matas' as I am in awe of all your paintings and your painterly skills. I look forward always to seeing new work from you, which inspire me and help me with my creativity too.

  11. I know it's another post but the asparagus painting is slam banging'!!
    and Suzanne, you have every right to your feelings and you don't have to justify them to anyone.
    Your journey of grief is ongoing and though at times it may seem better than at other times, it's still going to be there….always coming….and going…..
    I'm impressed that you've been able to move on as well as you have…...Love and hugs

  12. The tops of the tomatoes are really quite wonderful. I think the shadows are a little murky. I admire your openness.

  13. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have to echo the thoughts of the commenter above ... I would die to have even a small amount of your talent. How blessed you are.

    I think you are wise to take the time to look after yourself right now, though. You'll produce, again, your amazing work when you are ready, and when you do, you won't be painting for us, you will be doing it for you, because that is your calling...believe it or not.

    Take care of Suzanne. Give yourself whatever you need to get over this hump.


  14. Oh Suz, this makes me so sad to hear that rendering has lost it's edge and passion for you for the moment. But I get ya - I've been there sooo many times before where even picking up the paintbrush feels like way too much for you to bear and you'd rather just curl up in a ball on the sofa with a warm drink and just kinda waste away the day doing absolutely nothing. By the beauty in your work, the love in your strokes, there's just no way anyone could have ever known that the pain in you was starting to dig sooo deeply, but then again, if you think about it, some of the best artists were the ones who had absolutely tortured souls, so perhaps that's why we see sooo much passion in your works even when all you so and feel is all the pain.

    OH, How I wish I could come sit a spell with you awhile, and just listen to you, be there for you, help you however I possibly could. Hey, if you want to try painting an object a day, let me know - I'm soooo in (I mean, if you actually want a partner to do this with and all)! =D I seriously would love to do this with you if you really decide to do it, so let me know what you think, okay? I love you so much, Suz!!! And I miss you more than words can ever explain!
    Love your adoring little mentee ~
    ~ Melissa ~

  15. I hope you find a way to bring the same light, color and depth to your days that you've brought to these tomatoes. love 'em.

  16. I've been having a bit of an intermission myself but thought I'd see what others have been doing. Those red tomatoes sure caught my eye when I opened up your site and I thought, "how different"... (not "how awful"). And I hope you at least had some fun with them.

    Personally, I've been cleaning out the corners of my work space and hunting for failed paintings to destroy and paint over. (Haha.. it's like hunting for rats or spiders to kill in my storage space.)

    It's been satisfying and sad too, but at least I don't have to worry about fixing those clunkers any more. That is quite a relief. I'm hoping to move on one of these days when I get some energy back.

    Your statement, "if my joy and serenity depends upon what's going on outside of me, I'm just asking for trouble" is so true.

    Missing you!

  17. So happy to see another painting, Suz! I have missed you so much. Sending you big hugs and the warmest of wishes.

  18. Hi Suzanne! Hope you are doing well! I haven't seen a post for a little while, and I just wanted to say hi, and hope you are okay and just taking a painting break. :)

  19. how are ya honey? Sending hugs and love.


Your visits to my blog and the comments you leave here are an integral part of my creative process. They are helpful, supportive and well, let's face it, they feel really good! If I don't thank you personally, please allow me to thank you in advance for taking the time to stop by and leave your thoughts, they mean so much!