This is so exciting and at the same time so puzzling to me! Why do I feel as though I'm showing off by announcing my accomplishments on my blog about my work? I mean, isn't that what it's for Suz? You are so weird!
I've been invited to join the Diana Moses Botkins' Challenge Group on the Daily Painter's site! I'm at a loss for words! When I was accepted to DP almost a year ago, I was so impressed by what the Challenge Group was doing. Such incredible work! And I am so humbled and thrilled by the invitation, I'm beside myself! I'm going to jump right in and post next week! And, of course, I'm scared. Not as terrified as when I was first accepted to DP, but there's definitely a noticeable quake. Why?
I'm so tired of my "aw shucks, who me?" persona, juxtaposed against my exquisitely unattractive, raging ego! I think it was because I was born into a family of civilians. We all thought, me included, that I was left on the doorstep because I was so different. There were only the four of us, my bro and me, M&D, but I was the only one with creative ability. We were all insecure people, so my little gift was not nurtured or encouraged in any way, which is completely understandable. It was just something I did all the time up in my room that they'd look at and say, "Oh, isn't that nice." However, when my senior class visited FIT in NYC and I lost my mind and begged to attend, they stepped up big time! Mom got a job, made me a nice little breaky each morning before I'd march down to the train station with my huge portfolio case, over-stuffed with just about everything I owned. I suffer from "take things that make you feel good wherever you go" syndrome, which is probably why I have a bad back.
I digress. My point is that while I'm proud of my work, I'm horribly insecure, shy (really!)and weird about it. It's my responsibility to shore up my sagging confidence, I know. And folks get very tired of persistent insecurity. A friend I once had was actually disgusted by my lack of artist "airs." When I expressed doubt about a painting she'd snap, "Stop being so ridiculous, and get on with it!" She had a point. I know I must sound like a lunatic whining about how this painting didn't turn out or that drawing isn't good, considering all the wonderful comments everyone has been kind enough to leave. Perhaps that's part of my process. The War of Art specifically instructs artists to embrace their fear and doubt and use it in their work.
Whatever! I'm tired of being afraid! I'm tired of putting so much into succeeding when I don't even know what that is! Some days the act of putting brush to canvas is a raving success. It's human nature I guess. More. More. More. We're in the financial mess we're in today because no one is ever satisfied with what they have. Raise that bar. At my former job, the suits in charge thought $500 million a year wasn't profit enough so they raised the bar. We all know how that ended. Why do I need more? More positive feedback, more ideas, more good paintings, more sales, more attention. I'm tired. I want to sit and enjoy my work. I want the voice to shut the hell up and I want to have fun! And that is exactly what I'm going to do with this new adventure!
Thank you so much Diana! I think I'm up to the challenge!